So many women I know suffered from trauma during and after childbirth. When we talk about it, the wound is fresh even as our children enter their teens. It sounds like you're coming up for air, but doubting your purpose and strength to be a mother is gut wrenching. What amazes me about your writing is you are able to write about this experience with such raw beauty. You're a helluva writer and a fighter. Sending you light through the internet waves.