Missing: Americans in Canada

Oh Canada, I think you have something that belongs to U.S.

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Oh, Canada. Remember when I stole your national identity when I traveled? I sewed your sweet little maple leaf onto my Jansport backpack.

I practiced saying the word about.

I practiced saying your Os all summer before I ventured into Europe a lowly and loathed American passing as a Canadian.

I hired my very own fair lady tutor, who taught me how to act more Canadian — by being more patient, less aggressive, and how to listen when other people talked.

My tutor wrote these cheat sheet Canadian phrases on notecards for me — in case any Europeans didn’t believe my lilted Os.

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So Canada. We owe you an apology. You’ve been nothing if not patient with U.S.

First, I’d like to say I’m sorry but we’ve misplaced some Americans in Canada. It appears, from the NPR interviews, our American conservatives have infiltrated your trucking community.

I also have to quote Yoda when he said, “The force is strong with stupidity.”

If you could please quietly send our conspiracy theorists home, back over the bridge, our country misses them. They were last seen storming the capitol and we need to get their statements and to put some of them in prison.