Thirsty humor
I’m Funnier When You’re Drunk
People always say to me, “I’d love to see you drunk.” Or “I’d love to drink with you.” No one ever says, “I’d love to watch you weep during the original casting of Les Mis.”
My friends say it's a compliment because it means I look fun, but upon further introspection, I must not look that fun. Sober, I’m not doing it for you yet. People want to see me drunk. That’s where they think the real magic happens.
It's like when I was a teacher. I would look at a paper and say, “You’re almost there, but you’ve got some work ahead of you. You need research, facts, citations, but man, you definitely wrote this on a computer. If I walked by this stapled stack of papers, I might even think it’s a scholarly article — had I not read it. Well done. Keep it up.”
I’m only minorly offended by this funny-when-drunk observation of me. If I saw myself on the street I wouldn’t shout, “Look! The love child of Fabergé and Tiffany!” My socks don’t match. My hairbrush was last spotted on the side of a milk carton. I wear a crooked amused grin where classier girls chose the resting bitch face.
I don’t know if my mom intentionally raised me to look like a funny drunk. Maybe she was going for “eats mac’n’cheese with her fingers” but she outdid…
