Fort-you!

“Everyone else’s mom woke them at 4 am!” That is what my son just screamed at me.

Apparently, around the world, this morning, at 4 a.m., mothers all over America, we're waking up their sleeping children for the Fortnite update.

“That can't be right,” I said.

“Yes!” He screamed. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“Because it’s your first day of school. Among four thousand other reasons.”

He continued to roam around the house, like a raving Hamlet, unable to reason with his fate.

“You are the only mom,” he said, foaming at the mouth, “who doesn't understand how important Fornite is.”

“That can’t be right,” I say again.

“It’s true. All the other moms care about how important Fortnite is to their kids.”

I call his bluff. “Which moms?”

“All of them!”

“I need names,” I say. “I’m calling these women. It sounds like they need some support.”

He storms off, picks up a skull and howls “To wake or not to wake. That is the update.”

I imagine all of these women, setting their phones to wake up at 4 a.m., in order to turn on their children’s XBoxes, to update the new Fortnite. It’s horrifying. I thought the world was in trouble before, but now, I might just throw in the towel.

“I can’t wake you at 4, honey. Even if I wanted to.”

“WHY!?”

“Because 4 a.m. is my hate myself time.”

“WHY?”

“Cause 4 a.m. is the time of day I ponder all my regrets.”

“Can’t you do it another time?”

“No.”

“WHY?”

“I’m like a machine. That’s what happens at 4 a.m.”

“That’s stupid.”

“I agree.”

He’s calmer now. As usual, my own insanity quelled him. Take that Hamlet. Meet Ophelia.

“Well, next time there is an update,” he asks. “Can I wake up at 4 a.m.?”

“Sure,”

“Can you make sure I’m awake?”

Forget Hamlet. There’s a hole in the bucket, dear Lizza.

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Amy Sea

Amy Sea

100 X Top Writer, Editor— MuddyUm Editor, Breast Stories Editor-in-Chief — Comedian, Satirist, Humorist, Top Writer. Publisher of Breast Stories.