I Stick Out My Breasts Every Time Jennifer Coolidge Accepts an Award

There’s something about Stifler’s mom

Amy Sea
4 min readFeb 2, 2023


Canva adapted by Amy Sea

What is it about Jennifer Coolidge? AKA Stifler’s mom, a star of The White Lotus, a friend of Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blond, the actress who just won the Golden Globe —

Is it her breasts? Is it that she was Stifler’s mom and many a teen boy's fantasy?

Is it that she was the first MILF? Is it her breathy voice that makes it seem like everything she is wearing is way too tight? Like her entire dress is a sequence Spanx corset? And at any moment, she might pass out onto the stage floor into a delicious pile of sexiness.

Jennifer Coolidge squeezes her normal-sized body into whatever the hell she wants to wear. If she can’t breathe, she tells her audience. “I’m having trouble breathing right now.”

She exhibits minimal dance moves she is famous for, due to limited moveability.

Her understanding and acceptance of who she is makes us laugh. Her gratitude for those who have helped her along the way makes us cry.

If she is swollen inside that dress, because of the lavender bath she took before the awards show, she tells the audience.

“I just want to say I took a lavender bath tonight, right before the show, and it made me swell up inside my dress,” she said. “I’m having a hard time speaking.”


Jennifer Coolidge is no shrinking violet and we love her for it. She’s a woman hyperbole and I like hyperbole. She’s like someone fed Pamela Lee Anderson surf and turf for a week and she looks satisfied.

I like a body that looks like it enjoys a meal. I’ve never trusted people who don’t eat. When I’m at a dinner party, I don’t want to sit next to someone who picks at…



Amy Sea

100 X Top Writer, Editor— MuddyUm Editor, Breast Stories Editor-in-Chief — Comedian, Satirist, Humorist, Top Writer. Publisher of Breast Stories.