Dear Amy Sea,
Dear Amy Sea,
My boyfriend's brother bosses around his whole family. My boyfriend’s entire family lines up whenever his brother arrives and does whatever he tells them to do. It’s creepy body snatchers shit and I’m afraid. I’ve seen too many horror flicks and this isn’t going to end well.
I know his family is acting out some deep dysfunction, but I'm an outsider. What can an outsider do? When I asked him to stand up to his brother, my boyfriend said, "It's not worth it. He'll have a temper tantrum."
I asked what a temper tantrum on a grown man looked like, and he started to scream. Not scream at me, more like a terrifying primal scream. I packed my bags and said, “Call me after you stand up to that prick.”
I wish there were something I could do to change his family. Please help me, Amy Sea. You're my only hope.
Princess Ley Ley
Dear Princess Ley Ley,
I'm so sorry about your boyfriend, and yes, I am your only hope. Well, me and Mark Zuckerberg, that is. Facebook invented an algorithm that sends negative messages to bossy people.
Facebook feels shitty about creating millions of insecure and self-loathing people, so this is their way of giving back. It’s called THE BOSS algorithm. It’s one of the many algorithms Facebook is creating for good — to balance out their intense, unrelenting evil.
If you send me your boyfriend's brother's email account, I can text Mark Zuckerberg, who will telepathically message his minions to spam humiliate your boyfriend's brother. It's Mark’s way of saying thank you to his followers, who he reduced to Pavlovian free-will-less pathetic empty shells.
With THE BOSS algorithm, Facebook will dig into your boyfriend's brother's social media accounts. There, Mark's minions will discover your boyfriend's brother's deepest insecurities and constantly spam him trigger messages that awaken and magnify his self-doubt by 279%. Thanks, Facebook.
By the time Mark's minions are done with him, your boyfriend's brother will have the confidence of a teenage girl on Insta. He will have no other option than to acquire a therapist which Facebook will refer him.
At Facebook Therapy, a subsidiary of Facebook Brainwashing, your boyfriend's brother's therapist will help him discover why he thinks he's Charles in Charge. Facebook, you give and give.
By next Thanksgiving, not this one, your boyfriend's brother will be cured. Or, if that’s too long to wait, get a new boyfriend. He’s not your family yet. RUN!
Sincerely,
Amy Sea
