If breasts could talk — Boobs. When you’re young, you flaunt’m. When you get older, you push’m up. On my walks along the lake, I always see college-aged girls wearing tiny tops and mom jeans. It’s a cute look. The appearance of so much flesh is jarring at first, but then it reminds me of…

A woman and a wall bump into each other and no one wins — I’m sick of people trying to cure my exhaustion. Whenever I say I’m tired, everyone becomes a pill pusher, an organic acolyte, a water peddler, an online meditation dealer, and a Google-educated medical expert. When was the last time you saw the doctor, Amy? I had a cousin who had…

Sometimes a penis is a vagina — As we live out the real-life soap opera, “As The World Burns,” and civil war saunters up our doorsteps like a sexy pyromaniac, my son had one pressing question for me. “Mom. Can people sign their name with a penis?” “With their penis? Or penis-shaped handwriting?” I asked, not sure…

Houston, we’ve got a solution — After this national sewer swamp crap of a week, I’m gonna beat down an already overused cliché — that’s why we can’t have nice things. Because women are now legally second-class citizens, the boys are gonna have to give up a little something too. …

Bizarro World offers alternative view of how pregnancy occurs — In Bizarro World, the penis is finally being held responsible for partaking in pregnancy. Whenever any man starts to ejaculate, the exotic flying Cockblock from Sweden's magical forests, will lift the ejaculator by his buttcheeks and deliver him to the nearest dryer vent. As the cockblock assistant, the Gentle Dildo…

I hope I say yes — It’s finally happening. I’m gonna propose. I’m so nervous. I thought about getting down on one knee, but my knees are terrible. There’s always the risk once I go down, I’m stuck there until a fast dog runs past and I grab their leash to yank myself up. What if…

They know everything — When I was in middle school, the only porn we watched was the seventh-grade couple who hardcore made out in the hallways between classes. There was also that box of Playboys my friend’s dad kept stored in their basement. …

Do you really want to know what your kids think? — I started raising my kid in the era of letting children have their own voices. My generation wasn’t going to act like our parents, or their parents before them. Our style of parenting would mean our children would never be assaulted with the words “because I said so,” or “children…

What’s too much breast movement on a walk — I know most of my neighbors — some more intimately than others. I realized this morning, boobs swinging while I walked the dog, I do not mind bumping into women neighbors when I’m not wearing a bra, but with men, it’s a different story.— especially when there are words or…