If breasts could talk — Boobs. When you’re young, you flaunt’m. When you get older, you push’m up. On my walks along the lake, I always see college-aged girls wearing tiny tops and mom jeans. It’s a cute look. The appearance of so much flesh is jarring at first, but then it reminds me of…

You’re not that thirsty — I was under the misconception that if I ever drank too much water, I’d know. I believed if I overwatered myself, it would start to squirt out of my orifices. It never did. I just got really really soggy and I squished when I walked. You probably think I’m selfish…

Finding friends among the waves — When my son was little, he hated the water. He used to stand at the shore and yell “Nonononono!” My son is sensitive to the elements, like his mother. While some people think nothing of waves crashing into the sand, I could see my son’s mind’s eye magnifying the image…

Knotted testes — Why do men have so many feelings? Is it their overactive amygdala? Remember that Rogaine commercial where a man flipped his newly coiffed mane and said, “Because I’m worth it!”? That made me so sad. Men are not all hair and pecs. …

Fashion for people who like elastic waistbands — I am not one of those women who brag about being the same weight my whole life. If you are, Mazel Tov, but I am a fluctuator and I appreciate a nice elastic waistband and a flattering lounge pant. Whoever said Unbuttoning the top button of your jeans will never…

Let’s measure everyone with the same dickstick — I know Olivia Wilde is prettier than the rest of us, but do we have to hate her for it? Is that a requirement? I don’t know if director Olivia Wilde is a dick but I know people showed more compassion for Alec Baldwin when he got his cinematographer shot…

Gun-Shy — Am I the only one afraid of lighting, I asked the 6'2" college swimmer as we walked into the lake. Maybe, she said, but I trust Lisa. Lisa wouldn’t let us go into the water if it was dangerous. I arrived at 5. Lisa was already on the beach, reading…

I’m aware my dog is cute — Hey Lady Who Stalked Me and My Dog at Walgreens, Back off. I came to Walgreens to purchase a Diet Coke, not to stare into the abyss of a hysterically jovial stranger. My air-conditioner was acting up. I was sweating like a pig. …

Stop trying to beat up waves — I couldn’t sleep last night. I had a bee in my bonnet, the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I was drowning in clichés. You know those nights when you count the hours? 12:00 a.m. — up. 1 a.m. — still up. 2 a.m. — yep. 3 a.m…