Boobs. When you’re young, you flaunt’m. When you get older, you push’m up.
On my walks along the lake, I always see college-aged girls wearing tiny tops and mom jeans. It’s a cute look. The appearance of so much flesh is jarring at first, but then it reminds me of when I wore two bandanas tied together as a shirt to my college classes. Whoa girl. Youth is bold.
I purchased the tied-together bandana shirts for five bucks each, from a store located on the first floor of my apartment building. A woman named Sue owned the store. She was…
What’s the deal with salads? Why are they so fucking hard to make? Why do they have to be such dicks? I’m sorry if I’ve offended dicks, but that’s what salads are. Just a bunch of dicks.
“Why dicks?” You may ask. “Is this gender bias? Can a salad be a vagina?”
No, a salad cannot be a vagina. Thanks for asking. A salad can only be a dick.
“Why are you comparing dicks to salads?” You may ask.
Good question. I’m not. I’m using the word dick as an insulting word, like “Gosh, Marcie, don’t be such a dick.”
If you understood Wookiee's body language as well as you claim to, you would have noticed how Chewbacca reacts every time Han Solo reaches out his manicured hand and says, Good to meet ya. Han Solo. This is my good buddy, Chewbacca. Oof.
I speak Wookiee, and even if I didn’t understand Wookiee fur psychology, I would have noticed how Chewie’s bangs droop whenever he hears the word Solo. Solo solo solo solo.
How did I meet Chewie? you ask. Long story short. Studied abroad in high school on the planet Kashyyyk, where Wookiees preside. …
My son told me he would like to live in a safer world. My editor-in-chief told me she would like me to write something about shoes. Holy shit Batman, I thought, let’s multi-task the shit out of those unreasonable demands.
Imagine John Lennon set the bar lower for all of us. Imagine he made fewer and simpler demands regarding peace. I love that song as much as the next Beatles fan, but I can’t keep track of all the things Lennon wanted me to imagine. …
This morning I imagined tripping off my second story deck when I walked out to water my plants. I thought, What if my neighbor’s down there with her new baby pug and she sees me fly off my deck? That would suck for her.
But what if I landed on my feet? What would she say then? Wow, that was lucky. How did you do that? She’d never look at me the same way, thinking I had some hidden superpower. I’d always feel weird around her, knowing it was a fluke.
But what if I fell on my face? She’d…
I hate waiting for the dough to roll in after I’ve been curated. I was told by my favorite hallucination that as soon as my story was curated, a sasquatch would show up at my door and hand me a million-dollar check.
So, when I got curated, I waited. I made a pot of chamomile tea. I rolled a joint. I ate a jar of CBD jellies. I did four hours of gentle yoga. I did a 30-minute arms and intervals ride on my Peloton. I took my dog for a walk on the roof deck so I wasn’t too…
Writing from different locations is challenging because who you are is where you are. Location location location. When I’m in New Orleans, I’m very cool. When I’m in Fargo, not so much.
I wrote in one location for 17 years, and then suddenly, I lived somewhere else. My original place was tiny, and I had to constantly rearrange my immediate environment to stay visually stimulated.
The DMV petrifies me. I’m afraid they’re going to take my license away, give me an intentionally unreadable eye exam, humiliate me for being in the wrong line, and then murder me.
I’m always in trouble in the DMV lines. No one thinks I’m charming there. No one appreciates my inability to read signs or follow directions. What works in Chuckie Cheese doesn’t fly at the DMV.
Today at the DMV, while I was waiting in line, a woman passed out. All these people ran over to her. Eww, I thought. COVID. …
It’s time to start praying.
The schools are sending home kids who were sitting near other kids who tested positive for COVID. The kids sitting near the COVID kids have to stay home for 14 whole days. No matter how many negative tests they take, whether they were wearing a Hazmat suit, no matter nothin’.
Don’t even try and call the school secretary and complain. She’s had it. She didn’t sign up for a Pandemic. She was hoping to smile at kids, pass out tardies, talk to kids while they waited for parents at early pickup, but not this. Not…
When you go viral, buy a Lamborghini. Or maybe a keychain. I used to wait on a famous artist in a pizza place where I worked. If there’s one thing I should have learned, it‘s that selling art is never a sure thing.
There's no flow. Just because one person thinks you’re a genius doesn’t mean other people are going to stand beneath your balcony and scream for you to make more. Your balcony is at a Motel 6, incidentally. You’re an artist. Being a famous artist doesn't necessarily make you rich unless you’re dead. Supply and demand.