If breasts could talk — Boobs. When you’re young, you flaunt’m. When you get older, you push’m up. On my walks along the lake, I always see college-aged girls wearing tiny tops and mom jeans. It’s a cute look. The appearance of so much flesh is jarring at first, but then it reminds me of…

It’s the lemmings’ question again, but it’s chlorinated and I’m asking myself — You know that thousand-year-old question we’re still repeating to our kids? If everybody is vaping and cheating with their snorkel, should you? — or some regional, age-appropriate version of that question. That’s what I had to ask myself when I saw people taking liberties at Saturday swim practice. Let me…

5 years until college — how many haircuts is that? — Dear Delilah, My family was enjoying a good life — until you cut my son’s hair. It wasn’t a perfect life, but we were experiencing a massive amount of harmony for adults living with a teenager. Until, that is, my son sat down in your salon chair at Philistine Cuts…

We’re going to ruin your stupid reputation, cause it’s not sexy — Attention politicians: Are you boring? Do constituents relentlessly joke about how old you are? Do late-night talk show hosts play endless images of you falling over on your bike or tripping as you walk up the stairs onto Air Force One? Do people say you only love trains because you…

Loosening up mirror neurons — Going to swim team reminds me I am not the only person in the world. When I show up for swim practice at 6 a.m., everybody else shows up too. I’m not the only one who’s tired, achy, cranky, sleep-deprived, or wouldn’t have minded staying in bed. Ask any early…

Works for me — When I tuned on the doom and gloom news this morning, I got some good news, some bad news, and then some great news. The news itself, was all three — the Earth’s core has stopped spinning. Initially, I was as scared as you are right now. …

I’m too sexy for this store — Hey Costco Virgin! I’ve never been to Costco either. Look at us. A couple of Costco virgins. Thanks for letting me know it’s your first time here. I’ll be gentle. I would have been so embarrassed if one of us actually shopped here, on the regular. Have you ever seen…

No pain no mortal coil — I injured my shoulder this week, fired my PT, and decided to heal myself via Instagram. Why not? It’s free and I needed to save money for my retirement. I followed hundreds of Instagram videos on how to stretch out my injury. That’s the popular cure now — stretching. …

23 and not Tim Allen, please — Pamela Anderson claims on her first day on the show Home Improvement, as Lisa the Tool Girl, Tim Allen met her outside of her dressing room, opened his robe, and flashed her. No, he wasn’t wearing a tool belt. And no, I have no idea how happy he was to…