Stop making pickleball courts — Here ye, here ye! Fellow Baby Boomers and Gen Xers! Let us switch on our hearing aids and listen to the cries of our children and grandchildren. Kids today only care about the TikTok and the Snapchat, but we must bare some responsibility for the downfall of youth. I’m as…

Move along, reader — How ya doin’? I’m an unboosted story. Don’t pretend to be surprised. I saw you scanning me with disinterest, skimming without connecting, reading without conceptualizing the depth I excavated to bring you this tale. Let me save you the trouble and come right out with it. I’m unboosted and that’s…

Boobs at Barton Springs — I’m at the age when I’m more worried about my breast health than breast sexiness. I don’t put on swimsuits and wonder how my boobs look in them. I wear swimsuits that are functional. If I’m swimming laps, I wear something that keeps my girls from flopping out. If I’m…

If breasts could talk — Boobs. When you’re young, you flaunt’m. When you get older, you push’m up. On my walks along the lake, I always see college-aged girls wearing tiny tops and mom jeans. It’s a cute look. The appearance of so much flesh is jarring at first, but then it reminds me of…

Suck it in, pops — Okay so let me start with the famous movie quote — When I’m wrong, I say I’m wrong.” (Dirty Dancing — cinema of the dad jeans). When I wrote dad jeans didn’t exist, I was a fool. A swine. A confidence woman. A make-believer. A hoodlum for hers. A sexy…

The sleepy anchor makes me go night night — Every morning my husband and I enjoy watching the morning news together but we’ve hit a bump. The morning anchor, on the only news channel we consider objective, puts us to sleep. Though her droopy eyes and monotone vocal resonance induce narcolepsy, we can’t switch the channel when she comes…

Plumber butt — Mom jeans. I have mixed feelings about those words. So sexist. Can non-moms wear them? Do they make you pregnant? Are they fashion’s way of saying, “These are for you, mama! Unless you’re a MILF, in which case, keep mooning!” Can MILFS wear mom jeans? What about grandmas? What about…

Thumb surgery for dogs — We, humans, are too cocky about our opposable thumbs. We didn’t earn them. Cavefolk didn’t have meatball hands and over time early humans learned to reshape their hulky lumps into finely tuned phalanges. Opposable thumbs were the first humblebrag and it’s the humblebrag with long supple legs. We’re still doing…

Where do I send this letter? Do you live near Santa? — Dear Medium Help Desk, I’m not sure where to send this letter. It’s like writing to Santa. Though I never believed in Santa, I always believed in the North Pole and Santa’s mailbox. …