If breasts could talk — Boobs. When you’re young, you flaunt’m. When you get older, you push’m up. On my walks along the lake, I always see college-aged girls wearing tiny tops and mom jeans. It’s a cute look. The appearance of so much flesh is jarring at first, but then it reminds me of…

Swimming in and gliding back — I spent too many years being afraid. I was too comfortable letting fear run my days and thus my life. I admired people who moved bravely, but I couldn’t emulate them. I was missing the necessary data to confidently approach the mysterious. My fear blocked me from curiosity. …

Unpeel your metaphorical wetsuit — This morning I was swimming with Heidi Klum. Not The Heidi Klum. A Heidi Klum. We all have famous lookalikes. You might not enjoy who your famous lookalike is, but we’ve all got one. Mine may look more like an exhausted housewife who became a murderer on Law and Order…

We’re clueless because it benefits us — Do I offend? People used to ask that question with levity. It’s not a joke anymore. You say, write, or speak the wrong thing, and, like they say in baseball, “You’re out.” That’s the entirety of what I know about baseball. I must apologize to my little brothers, who know…

Can you milk a lobster? — Are lobster rolls any good? I ask you, reader. Someone in Maine just slammed down their lobster roll and hmphed at my question. They didn’t even know they could hmph. Hmphings for old people named Beatrice or Archie! They yelled at the person sitting next to them at the lobster…

Gary Chapin’s Dead Granny Mary is interrupting her dead time to help you — Why do I love Gary Chapin’s advice column, Granny Mary? Sit down. Have a cuppa. I’m taking you the long way around. I’m always quoting my dead father. Am I quoting him correctly? Did he really say those things? I don’t know. I can’t ask him. He’s dead, god bless’m…

Me and Hugh Hefner have robes but our similarities end there — “The best way to choose what to keep and what to throw away is to take each item in one’s hand and ask: “Does this spark joy?” If it does, keep it. — Marie Kondo Marie Kondo nagged at me until my closet was empty. Almost none of my attire…

Are street drugs superior to pharmaceuticals? — I don’t trust pharmaceuticals as much as I trust street drugs. I realized that when my kid came down with a relentless cold. I didn’t like rotating between Tylenol and Ibuprofen. “It’s too many drugs,” I told my husband. “If we’re using it when he’s sick,” my husband said, “it’s…

Cold boobs in the lake — How cold is too cold to swim? When I entered the arctic lake water this week, it felt more like October than August. I looked down at my frozen nipples, imagining they’d poke through my Speedo like icicles. Remember Samantha Jones’ fake nipples in Sex in the City? You don’t…