If breasts could talk — Boobs. When you’re young, you flaunt’m. When you get older, you push’m up. On my walks along the lake, I always see college-aged girls wearing tiny tops and mom jeans. It’s a cute look. The appearance of so much flesh is jarring at first, but then it reminds me of…

Name your price — A new trend at Medium is raging. Writers can now hire ourselves out for birthday parties, Bar Mitzvahs, funerals, weddings, and bachelorette parties. And that’s only the beginning. The second son of an emir in Dubai, who wishes to remain anonymous, offered me 300,000 U.S. dollars to read my piece…

How do you review a movie you didn’t see? — I wanted to love the Spider-Man movie, Across the Spider-Verse. I had been absolutely insomniatic awaiting its arrival. Even Tom Holland, the current Spider-Man and love interest of Zendaya(see above), said “It was the best Spider-Man movie I’ve ever seen” and he hadn’t even seen it yet. That’s how good…

Tryouts over pay to play — “Time flies,” my friend Adam from the beach tells me. “Yesterday, my son was in first grade and today he’s a bartender with an engineering degree.” I know how he feels. Five minutes ago my son was playing the position of head daisy picker on his soccer team. …

All your travel plans are dead, ma’am — Trigger alert: If you previously planned a vacation and it ended in divorce, stop reading now. Reading about a couple planning a getaway will definitely upset you. It doesn’t end well. It never does. Stop reading immediately. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. This is me warning you. P.S. The…

And you thought Hollywood was filled with deviants — I used to wonder what it was like for parents of movie stars to watch their children in sexy movies where there was nudity and graphic sex. Awkward. Did they watch them? Did they cover their eyes the whole time? Were they so sexually evolved that they were able to…

Surviving adulthood one delicious bite at a time — Have you ever heard the expression, “It’s never too late for a happy childhood?” They say that on Whidbey Island, an island off of Seattle. They might sell T-shirts with that saying, but I can’t remember. I haven’t visited Whidbey in decades. …

Stop writing, start commenting — Ever since my comments got boosted, I realized I was wasting my energy. Why write my own material when I can just react to everyone else's? Have you seen how popular reaction videos are? Comments are the reaction videos of internet writing. …

Return to wonderland — My son brings his basketball everywhere the way a musician carries his guitar. Basketball is a lot like music. It can happen anywhere anytime. It can sneak up and transport you to another time. After a four-hour car ride from Chicago to Iowa, my son was ready to practice his…