If breasts could talk — Boobs. When you’re young, you flaunt’m. When you get older, you push’m up. On my walks along the lake, I always see college-aged girls wearing tiny tops and mom jeans. It’s a cute look. The appearance of so much flesh is jarring at first, but then it reminds me of…

If I can handle it — Rejection makes my writing better. Why? You ask. Because as soon as I get rejected, I look at the writing through new editorial eyes. I often realize I’ve jumped the gun again. I sent the piece before it was baked properly. I prematurely submitted. Don’t get a dirty mind. I’m…

Coach catches me before warm-ups — Being filmed while swimming reminds me of singing in the shower. The acoustics in the shower make me sound like Beyoncé, but once I’m dry and singing on a karaoke stage, I sound like every other tone-deaf drunk. When I’m swimming, I feel like I’m training for the Olympics. My…

Editing myself in person is harder than on paper — How to date other parents. If you thought this was a piece about swinging, thanks for visiting. See you on one of those sexy blogs. This is not about that. This is a piece about dating our son’s friend’s parents. I know. That sounds as confusing as dating your uncle's…

Stop taking yourself so seriously — Do you ever sit in front of your blank screen and say, “I’ve got nothing?” In the good old days, we had empty sheets of paper that we crumpled up and tossed across the room into a basket filled with incomplete ideas. I’m not rich enough to throw my laptop…

In the criminal justice system, there are no clear swimmers — Everyone who swims laps knows the deal. If two people are sharing a lane, you split the lane in two. No circle swim. Each person gets half the lane and swims back and forth on their half. Not the mental high dive. That’s how it’s been done since Mark Antony…

Armed guards, metal detectors, and the Bible — I turned on Barbie News and Friends after the latest mass shooting. I knew what MSNBC and CNN were saying. That was the liberal media jargon I normally ingested — but what was the Barbie News saying? What was their solution to mass shootings? I was immediately shocked by how…

Chased people, chase people — Dear Famous People and particularly Gwyneth Paltrow and Vince Vaughn, When I see you star in immortal films, lounge in your Lake Como estate, and tan in your tight bikini body, I lash out. When I watch you saunter the red carpet in free couture gowns and $10,000,000 gems that…

A movie star should never be seen in a natural habitat — Famous people are not just like the rest of us. Famous people do not drink their coffee just like the rest of us. Coffee is carefully dripped into their navel with eye droppers and is sucked out by despondent priests who are tampering with the possibility of being married once…