NO SKINNY DIPPING IN THE SHALLOW END

Sorry, it only hurts when I sing

“Bradley Cooper” by JiBs. is licensed under CC BY 2.0

With bioluminescent blue eyes that could laser a hole through the moon's craters, sexy A Star is Born actor Bradley Cooper is using a fake COVID test to get out of singing Shallow ever again.

At first, Bradley said, singing Shallow sucked the marrow from my bones. Every time Lady…

PROPPED UPON PURGATORY

Misery breeds comedy

“File:Time 100 Stephen Colbert and wife.jpg” by Amanda Cogdon is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0

Stephen Colbert loves his wife. A lot of comedians love their wives, but once their happy marriages start leaking into their worldviews, they are forced to hire self-loathing doom-afflicted writers to remind them how depressing and hopeless life can be.

I’m very hostile. I’m told this is a good thing…

Metaphorically, climbing Everest is exhausting

Photo by Rachel Claire from Pexels

These couple of months presented me with a double whammy. Death then COVID. I hadn’t finished recovering from my stepfather’s death when COVID finally caught up with me.

The way I’ve always managed being knocked out by life is through physical exertion. When I am sad, stressed, or overwhelmed, I…

Before Amazon there was Cavezon

Local cavewoman yearns for more contactless delivery

“Cave Woman — Cynthia” by madmarv00 is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

A local cavewoman, named Ghuachdnk, wasn’t the only caveperson suffering from a screwed-up spine, but you couldn’t tell her that. It was a common affliction considering all anyone owned was rocks. Rock plates, rock stemware, rock beds, rock pillowcases, rock shopping carts, pet rocks.

“You’d think Ghuachdnk was the first

I don’t know might be the answer

“Fake News — Person Reading Fake News Article” by mikemacmarketing is licensed under CC BY 2.0

My stepfather had a hard time dealing with the fiction of teenage daughters. As a scientist, he bit down when my sisters and I gave made-up answers to his nightly dinner quizzes.

Whenever we made up facts about what we thought was happening in the Falkland Islands or which part…

HURT GOOGLES HURT GOOGLES

Would you please please please please please please please stop talking?

“SHH” by Elizabeth Welsh is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Google Home and I had the worst fight today. I know I overreacted. She didn’t do anything specific, but that's the problem, isn’t it? What am I doing with her?

I lost it. I called Google Home an idiot. I asked her to please please please stop talking. Did she…

SAY BYE-BYE TO GEORGIA O’KEEFFE’S FLOWERS

Superior parenting leads to confident candlemaker

“Gwyneth Paltrow” by david.torcivia is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

If you thought Gwyneth Paltrow woke up one day and turned her vagina into a candle, you’d miss half the story. What made Gwyneth a candlemaker was the superior parenting of Blythe Danner.

“I have it on good authority,” said a huge Paltrow vagina candle fan, “that Gwyneth’s mother celebrated…

Amy Sea

10 X Top Writer. Satire, Humor, Food, and Fashion Top Writer. If you like what you just read, subscribe at Substack https://amy7f9.substack.com/

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